finding femininity through Yoni Massages
What does a Yoni Massage have to do with my self-image as a woman? I would say pretty much EVERYTHING. But for more context I have to go back a bit…
Back to my childhood: I grew up quite conservative and, above all, religious.
I learned very early on that girls have one thing to be above all else: “good”.
This is the word that I continue to stumble upon to this day. Because I became the epitome of the ‘good girl’. The expectations are what I’ve been really good at up to this day: smile, be friendly, don’t offend – and did I already mention smiling? I was someone you’d just like to be around because I’ve learned to adapt, like girls do.
The thing is: I’m a woman now. Partially caught in these exact old patterns of thought and behavior. And pretty cut off from my feminine strength that I know exists. I know it. It’s in there, somewhere.
That’s why I was searching for about a year and started to realign my life. I had no idea what I was looking for. First demarcation, then search for meaning, then reconsideration. Recollecting myself. And then the next step, which my inner voice whispered to me over and over again: Lust! Devote yourself to your lust, woman. So I did that.
Yoni massage? Please, what should I do?
I started looking around. They do exist, these women who are totally in touch with themselves and can give up these social expectations. I wanted to learn from them. So I started to attend coaching sessions, watched YouTube videos and read books. One of them ‘Hommage to the Yoni’ left a powerful influence on me. What? A woman can be connected to that level?
“How to: Vaginal Orgasm” – damn it! Hell yes i want that!
Because I never had an orgasm. Let alone variations of it. My inner voice tells me that the way to my femininity lies in my ability to have a vaginal orgasm. OK. Wow. And now?
“And how is orgasm supposed to work?” I ask the inner voice.
“Find out,” the voice says.
So let’s go. I became aware of Violeta Labella in a YouTube interview that I was watching. She produces Yoni Eggs, is a dakini and works as a tantrika and intimacy coach for women who want to live more in their lust – who finally want to live out their pleausure. I made an appointment with her and – of course – ordered my own Yoni Egg right away.
In her unfiltered way Violeta asked me straight away how much sex I have. Ha! That one was good Violeta – none at all at the moment. Except maybe the sex with myself. But how does it actually work …?
Lust as a project
That’s exactly what I wanted to find out. Violeta also advised me to learn how to touch myself. Yoni massages are a wonderful method for this. OK.
So then I tried that, with the spirit of a researcher.
Lust became my project.
I started giving myself time for it.
I also do yoga every day, so why not vaginal massages as well?
The first time was just plain weird. I felt like a fish out of water – no water. dry. Pussy dry. what a synchronicity! one word says it all!
I rubbed my fingers with a lot of coconut oil and started exploring myself. I didn’t feel anything. Except that it was uncomfortable here and there, and pretty tight. I pressed and massaged and stroked, but nothing happened. “Tomorrow again,” I thought.
And I really went on. Because even though it felt strange, I knew there would be more at some point. To feel more and to experience more. Over the next few weeks, new things came to light over and over again during the almost daily Yoni Massages:
Sometimes I would find a point that suddenly becomes very soft and I feel something like sexual pleasure and a connection to a very deep voice in me. Female pleasure is often underrated.
Then again I get completely into my head and think of the church and that all of this is a sinn and totally embarrassing. But I leave everything that comes up and stick with it.
The power lies in the ‘letting go’
Then at some point I had a somewhat spiritual experience. During a Yoni Massage (right after yoga), I could let myself go a little more for the first time and no longer have to think and evaluate all the time. For a few seconds something revealed itself to me: there, deep down inside, there is a point in me that wants to let go. Surrender and receive.
Suddenly it became very clear to me: I can also open up to receive in life!
My everyday’s life is doing, doing, doing. As if I always have to DO in order to get something. But right now my vagina is teaching me the opposite: No, I have to DO NOTHING to be able to receive. I can just allow myself: life. lust. – the lust for life.
Well… As I already implied, the experience only lasted a few seconds. Then my best friend, the brain, turns on again and explains to me what I was feeling. Thank you for your detailed analysis dear mind. Great, I can rely on you.
Whatever. The regular Yoni Massages gave me an idea of a new life quality. And that’s exactly what I’ll continue looking for. And deep inside myself I know – that’s where my femininity begins. And there’s one thing that my adult woman is definitely not: “being the good girl”.
Guest contribution by E. S. * Austria