in the past few month many articles of some dark Tantra experiences have creeped into the general awareness.

I feel really blessed… while some of my tantric encounters might have be little questionable and more on the amusing side, all the Tantra Events I attended were prime quality. all except my very first retreat.

it happened on a paradise like island where we arrived far away from everything. a villa only for us. a group of women. sisterhood and stuff…

right in the beginning we handed over our bags, phones, personal belongings and with the exception of our toothbrush, all of the toiletries.

we were supposed to be undisturbed, focussed and to a certain level, be our true selves.
even if this meant blank brushing of teeth for some days. something I would really call a pure and natural experience.

the retreat itself was insightful and I truly loved the moments in this only-women-group. we laughed, cooked, listened, drank tea, danced together… it started as a joyful experience.

up to one of the last days.

we were preparing a very special evening, when the introduction suddenly went like:
we are going to have plant medicine tonight as we should be ready for the ‘rite of passage’.

plant medicine?
‘yeah… you know it’s not drugs, it’s natural and will just open you up for the special event tonight’.
‘well, opium is very natural, so is fly agaric too. I never felt tempted to consume it anyway.’
all the bla bla was continuing. my head was bursting.

I didn’t recall to have read any of plant medicine information in the invitation or that it was previously communicated in any way.
lunchtime, when I mentioned that I won’t take it, the fuckedupness’ess started. from our group we were only two who refused and within minutes a lot of pressure was put on us:

starting from ‘it’s ok to take it, you can’t get addicted, it’s absolutely natural, it’s opening your portal, it’s expanding your consciousness, this is tantra, we must have this tonight, you will not be able to step into the rite fully’… up to: ‘we are not going to move from here until we have a decision, nobody can enjoy the evening now as we have to do it altogether, you are destroying the group experience for everyone.’

over and over again. we were on this topic forever. it went on all afternoon.

it reminded me of a police interrogation where you get asked the same questions over and over again.
my head was dizzy and busy.

where to go and what do to? how to exit this loop?

early evening I finally gave in. as I did, the other participant who vehemently refused seemed to have no choice, but to join.
experienced with plant medicine particularly and nature in general I called in my natural wisdom and talked to the plant, as my Tantra Teacher was obviously not able to receive my words.

Aya had already told me that Plant Medicine is not my path and the cactus pretty much reflected the same. so I asked the plant to spare me from the effects. that I was not in the mood, that I was not willing. I am scared and I am taking it to protect myself from consequences.

those of you who know plant medicine, know as well that you know when it’s time for it. I knew: mine it was not in that event.

slurping it down we proceeded to a rite that didn’t really need San Pedro for. after we set some intentions, spoke to the women we idolized we were taking off out clothes and dancing.

I really don’t need plant medicine for that. neither to talk to my grandmother nor to get naked.

out host got stoned that night. seems her rite of passage needed a little joint to seal the newly found commitment.

many moons later, many questions later, many interviews with friends later, many late whatsoevers, I understood that it was meant to be like this.

dissociated, unable to leave, scared of consequences, intimidated by the group pressure and humiliated because of the lack of respect to my needs, self-judgemental and remorseful I closed this experience.

the one thing I took with me: when I am forced to do something that doesn’t feel right, I stand up and leave. many years in nobody ever dared to make me participate in something that I felt was not ok for me.

why am I talking about this only now after few years?
a recent Tantra experience left me slightly unsettled.
I learned from the past. all my senses were refinded.

as a Dakini and someone who works closely and intimately with women I am often asked: where to go? how can I learn Tantra? what is a good training? how to know it’s right for me? would I recognise a good Tantra teacher?

the ocean of Tantric offers is wide, deep and the waves can be really high.

I’ll be offering you the gift of my insights. to avoid any Tantra Theater, I am soon publishing my article: Tantra Events: my 4+1 capital C’s. (apart from brushing teeth 😉

stay tuned.
more soon.



artwork by puntogspot