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the 8 most realistic things during sex
ahhh porn… something that is often used in our day and age as a baseline for what people think sex looks like, or ‘should’ look like.. often watched in the dark and in secrecy. by those who don’t have any pre-taught knowledge or experience of what sex actually entails. especially often seen as an educational tool for the youth of our society.
let’s get this out of the way first. most of the mainstream porn floating around on the web these days and since porn became a thing, is male-pleasure based. that’s not a bad thing of course, but when it comes at the expense of female pleasure and expression, then it starts to enter murky waters. have you ever noticed any of these when watching porn?
1. sounds and smells
2. time for the arousal
3. communication of lovers
4. natural looking bodies
5. period sex
6. erectile dysfunction & vaginism
7. real and awkward moments
8. love
most of the time, what is depicted in mainstream porn is not even the reality of what having intercourse with another human being looks like. and this creates unrealistic expectations for men as well.
there’s one thing we need to understand first and foremost about mainstream porn. It is completely staged, scripted and cut to show you an unrealistic fantasy of sex, male and female bodies, pussies, penises and boobs. today we are going to look at a couple of things you DON’T see in mainstream porn. when you read some of these points, you’ll think to yourself ‘oh yeah! That’s so true, why did i never think about this before’? and that’s because we have been trained and conditioned to have such low expectations when it comes to sex and to not prioritize our pleasure at all. It’s so mainstream that our society starts believing this is how sex is ‘done’.
let’s look at the 8 points nobody sees in mainstream porn. are you ready? let’s go.
1. sounds and smells from the body
what?? our bodies produce sounds and smells?? no way!
queefs, burps, farts, body odour, sweat, tears, blood, laughter – you name it, the body produces it. we like to think, or we assume, that we would suddenly stop burping or farting during sex, but that’s not the reality. this is what makes sex real, and even adds a tad of humour to the whole experience! I know I wouldn’t want to make love without laughter, or a burp or fart here and there. or when one feels so emotional or triggered, they start crying. it’s all normal, wholesome and real! if this is something you personally struggle with, it would be worth getting to know some of the shame and beliefs you may have been taught about your body. I wholeheartedly invite you to my Boobie’licous Online Course – learn how to energise and worship your boobs.
2. putting in the time for her pleasure and arousal
yes. women do experience pleasure. yes. women have been stifled in that for the past centuries. and yes. there is no focus on female pleasure in mainstream porn, there is not even an inkling of acknowledgement that female pleasure exists. okay, maybe in one video here and there, the man goes down on a woman for a few seconds. flicking his tongue up and down while the woman screams louder than one would scream while being chased by an ax murderer. and yet. this feels like male gratification and an ego boost. did you know that there are many types of orgasm and they can vary in intensity? somewhere you can feel that what you’re watching is not authentic, is not what it takes to get a woman to feel safe, hot and turned on. and it’s ok: of course for some women it is, and for most of us we need more. we need consent, precision, safety, attention, attunement and a skilled tongue/fingers. we want this. our pussies need to be worshipped, and we need to be treated like the Goddesses we are. and this involves our partner (and ourselves) taking the time to get to know our bodies, what turns us on, what makes us feel good, and to explore this alone or together, which brings me to my next point…
3. communication
I have always wondered why in mainstream porn, no one talks or says anything beyond ‘ahhhhh, oh yes, harder, please harder’. when they are with a complete stranger who knows nothing about their body or their pleasure. is it because we believe that our partner/buddy for the night should be able to read our minds? or is it because for too long, we believed our pleasure doesn’t matter and therefore we don’t have to communicate about it. eventually it is because many think that sex is something they ‘do’.
communication is one of the most important things to practice with another person. it is the key to an earth-shattering session of sex, and it is vital to communicate, even if its a sound or a word to convey to the other person something about you and your pleasure.
if we don’t communicate, how on Mother Earth is our partner supposed to know that this hurts or that you don’t like it when they touch there? most of us are not yet at the stage of telekinesis, so use your words darlings. some of the best communication tools I have learned were with the ‘Wheel of Consent’. spot on and valid in any life situation.
4. natural bodies and body diversity
haven’t you ever wondered why we only see certain body types in mainstream porn? why do labias all look the same, penises are always erect, and the boobs don’t seem to sag as much? have you ever walked away with feelings of insecurity, shame, and even body-hatred – this is a real thing – after watching one of these videos? honey, you’re not alone. there’s a whole club of us who at one point or another, hated our bodies because they didn’t fit into this tiny mold of a pornstar’s body.
we never seem to see saggy boobs, bacon/inverted nipples, flat butts, labia folds, pubes, pimples, stretch marks, small penises, soft penises, hair on the body, blemishes, bellies (on all genders), lingerie marks, or anything else that comes with having a HUMAN BODY.
instead we see labiaplasty, plastic boobs and butts and a starved body. by no means am I saying anyone who has these are unnatural, I’m simply stating the obvious – that this is all we see in mainstream porn. and this has an incredibly damaging effect on people who watch these videos and don’t fit the mold. I know it is cheesy but bare with me, your body is beautiful as it is, nothing has to change about it, and there are people who love it and find it attractive just the way it is.
in case you still feel like removing your hair… here are some ideas on what’s important!
5. period sex
period sex is not everyone’s cup of tea, i understand that. but it does perplex me when i don’t see a single session of period sex in mainstream porn. for far too long, periods and period blood has been viewed and treated as something disgusting, shameful, dirty or gone unacknowledged. I believe we all should get more educated about it.
it seems to be the same mentality in mainstream porn. no blood, no messiness, everyone is just super clean and the women are never on their period. for those of us who enjoy period sex, this can give us the idea that it’s something a woman ‘shouldn’t’ do. you know my answer for this, it’s complete BS. you have whatever kind of sex floats your boat, be it period sex or kinky sex, as long as there’s consent on all sides, drink that cup of tea.
never so far have I heard about Yoni Eggs in porn… I think they should include my hot ‘sex up your life stone’.
Did you know? Is it actually possible to have sex with your Yoni Egg inside… find out here.
6. erectile dysfunction and vaginismus
in mainstream porn, the man is always expected to have a hard on 24/7. what many people don’t understand is that our bodies pick up on things. when a man can feel that a woman is not turned on or feels unsafe, he has difficulty getting a boner. many of our men feel the pressure to take pills (viagra) to stay erect for hours on end but we don’t understand the long-term effects it has on a man’s body, and not to mention, mind.
we don’t hear of a woman who has vaginismus either. when it is something so common for women of the modern world. the narrative is that a woman is supposed to be ready to receive the penis whenever and wherever, and that she has to be tight but not too tight. loose but not too loose.
are you also feeling rage when you hear about how mainstream media has stripped us of all of our humanness? men, women, those in between, neither and both, all of us.
7. awkward and real moments
shyness, nervousness, struggling to take pants off, not being able to get a hard-on, banging heads together, falling off the bed, struggling to get the condom on, someone walking in on you, a Yoni not ready or not wanting to take anything in, leg cramps, water breaks, lube time, arguments ending in “you’re not getting any”, crying before/during/after sex, fumbling around in the dark – these are all little things that make up the experience of sex.
I wish everyone learned some tantric practices to experience some real moments of intimacy.
8. love
and last, but certainly not least – we don’t see love in mainstream porn. we don’t feel connection, we don’t feel love, respect, communication, attunement, and authenticity in these videos.
we only see bodies smacking against each other in a desperate attempt to fill a void of loneliness, but not actually meeting that need of connection. we don’t see the consideration, the giggles, the appreciation, the little moments of sweet love between partners. and we follow this model in our own desperate attempt to meet our need for connection, without realizing that we can get it met directly and in a way that takes the needs of all partners into consideration. it doesn’t need to be degrading, dysfunctional, scripted or edited. love is in those moments of awkwardness and shyness, in those laughter, tears or triggers that come up, in that form of non-violent communication and understanding. lcan be found in our relationship with our bodies and Yonis, in the way we relate to one another on a visceral level, and in our sessions of beautiful sex.
mainstream porn has indeed influenced so much about the way we view our bodies, our sexuality, and even sex itself! it has played, and still does play, a massive role in our personal sex life, and at the same time, there are also many ways we as women (and men!) can take our power back.
we can get to know our bodies, what we like and don’t like, and we can start to unlearn the shame that we have been raised with when it comes to our sexuliaty. we can learn how to better communicate our needs and preferences, and to choose those who don’t honor and respect us.
feel the real pleasure.
be the real pleasure.
yours
Violeta Labella
Images:Yoni Egg Rocks & iStock
